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oh yeah, then there is life… getting the house clean, projects left on the back burner…. hmmm I do have paint to paint that hallway – but, should I really get on a ladder right now??
Then there are all of the things I hadn’t counted on: my husband passed away last June and I am feeling it yet now emotionally, but also there is the thing with his business and his socio – well, that all is still not sorted out (and now cannot be); I am a widow at 55 – I don’t much like that (even if I would like to frequent someone – right now that is impossible) so, here I am alone in the house… what else? ah, health issues… thank god for Italian Health System and the automatic checks every two years for us ‘elders’. Hopefully what they saw is nothing – I’ll tell you more in 20 days time.
This last health item brought up a list of things to consider: that second witness I now need for my testamento biologico that I had forgotten to take care of after Massimo passed away; someone who – like Massimo – can know what I believe about health and certain options or medications – now I have to pick a friend who is on the same wavelength, but, is there one who can understand the look in my eyes like Massimo did?
So how am I doing? Insomma… it is not easy. Some days I break down and cry (sometimes for a short bout, sometimes it is longer); somedays I do realise I am living in “my own private Idaho” (for those of you who did enjoy the B52’s) and so in my denial – I get busy with stuff and keep going. Well, until I break down and cry and spend a half a day in the house (ha – ha).
Some days I turn the music up loud and dance (the person upstairs is deaf, and my once living -room now converted into a group studio room is currently empty and free, perfect for wild dancing).
Of course, there is a spiritual side to all of this, in my mind – but that is my world and I believe it is different for each of us.
What is yours?
For me, it helps me to think of the bigger picture, but yeah, it isn’t enough for each and every day. Somedays I turn on Amazon Prime and watch Grantchester, or have a video aperitivo with a girlfriend. Some days I watch Gregg Braden or Bruce Lipton videos on youtube. Somedays I reread Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her considerations on the 5 stages of grieving.
Waves. Waves that move in and out, carrying so many thoughts, fears, emotions… fearful of another goccia che fa travasare…. as I was already feeling quite full going into lockdown. But we probably all were – we each have a certain amount of stuff we are working on, dealing with…
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A brave new world? I hope so.